How can I tell if my spouse is having an affair? A number of studies have been done with conflicting results in an attempt to answer this question.  We rely on our own experience of about 16,000 Family Law cases. First, every person and every relationship is different. Men and women routinely exhibit different signs. A good answer to this question also requires your definition of having an affair. Some affairs are essentially emotion, some economic, and some purely physical. Men and women relate differently to the question of extra-relationship sex. Remember when you dated your spouse, there was a period of formality, a romancing period, and then a period of intimacy. Virtually all relationships (but not prostitutes or dancers) go through these phases. If you are tuned to your spouse's behavior, you can often uncover a relationship before the intimacy stage and stop the relationship before it goes too far.
	Signals-things to watch for: Men are the more sexually sophisticated of the sexes. They separate love and sex almost entirely. Yet, men are brought up in American society on the expectation of duty to family, God, country, and ideas. It is largely an urban myth that married men voluntarily leave their families, no matter how poor the relationship, for a younger woman. In reality, they are often pushed out by what they consider to be the unreasonable demands of a spouse. But duty is paramount to an American male and only males will die for their God, their country, their family, and their children. Most men accept their lot in life as that of a provider and most feel that they get relatively little in return out of the marriage. Men can put their significant other on a pedestal of the greatest love, respect and admiration. Yet, at the same time, have a sexual relationship with another woman. When caught or filed upon, many men seem dumbfounded that the wife would not believe that they were in love with them and that the sexual affair was simply a lark. When a wife makes a decision regarding her response to an affair, she should seriously consider her life investment and attempt to ascertain whether her husband's affair is emotionally significant or merely a lark, not much more important than a golf game. In fact, many men consider the conquest of women outside their marriage to be no more important than a competitive golf game. The good news is, men are used to facing hard choices and if handled properly, most men can be effectively cured. Look for:
	Time availability. An affair implies physical contact. Remember that it takes two to tango and in our very busy society, it is rare that two people would have the total flexibility in their schedules to meet on the spur of the moment. Typically, meetings have to be scheduled and require a substantial amount of time for the two parties to travel to the meeting point, romance one another and do the act. Physical lunch liaisons are a rarity. Remember, the female is in it not so much for the sex but for the romance or for a relationship. Quickies are something that is relative rare and don't happen repetitively except to married people. Remember, the paramour may be married, and she too will have to have a cover story as to why she is out of touch with either her spouse or employer. Look for trends such as specific days of the week, disappearance in relationship to pay days, a change in behavior or work hours, but overall, look for a trend that would be indicative of two people trying to get their schedules together. Look for money hiding In 30 years, virtually every male that we have investigated who could control his income will start trying to hide assets or reduce his income in anticipation of filing a divorce. Watch for the obvious issues such as hidden bank accounts, direct deposit to a hidden account of an expense check, deferred compensation, or having a friend paid for his work to hide the income. Once a man starts hiding money, claiming he is going broke or laying a foundation for financial impoverishment, he has made a decision that a divorce is on the horizon. Look for a change in sexual activity. Often, the change is actually an increase in sexual activity. Many men are excited by the prospect of sleeping with two women in the same day. Rarely does a man's sex drive diminish because he is having an affair. However, a complete cessation of sexual activity is a bad sign and may signal an emotional attachment to another person. TIP: Often times we find that when men have totally ceased seeking sex from a spouse, it is because they believe that their spouse has had an affair. Often wives will totally discount that because they know that they have not had an affair, but perception is reality and many men are too proud to accuse their wife of infidelity but the mere thought will cause them to stop desiring sex. If that is a possibility, seek a marriage counselor immediately. Look for a change in behavior accompanied by lies. Statements about a husband's whereabouts or activities that can be proven to be lies can be a distinct warning sign. DON'T CONFRONT THE MALE ON HIS LIES! Document the lies, document how you know they are lies and be smart. If you confront your spouse on every lie you find, you do two bad things. First, you teach him to be a very adept liar and how to cover his tracks better. Secondly, you make his time at home miserable. Women have a totally unrealistic belief that if they confront their spouse with individual lies, he will fall down on his knees and admit his sins and beg forgiveness. It simply doesn't happen. All men routinely joke about the fact that if their wives find them in bed with another woman, the husband will calmly get dressed and deny a woman is in the room and try to make his wife think she is crazy. There is a time to confront a male that may work in getting him to change his behavior, but it entails overwhelming evidence with a clear-cut set of choices. Dribbling out your evidence day by day only makes your marriage miserable and puts it in a strong downward spiral and at the same time, gives your husband an opportunity to undercut your evidence. The male is defensive, accuses you unrealistically or claims you are crazy. Men often tend to be aggressive toward their spouse and most men know the best defense is a good offense. It is common for some men to attempt to degrade, scoff at and deride their wife's evidence or assertions. These men are trying to make the spouse believe it is all in her mind. In reality, he is a dominant male who has little respect for his wife and who is unwilling to change his behavior because he thinks he can bully his wife into accepting his behavior. Watch for unnecessarily secretive behavior. A man who has his credit cards, cell phone and bank deposits sent to an address other than his home may have a reason he does not want a spouse to look at them. Alternately, a business person who uses his phone at work but who does not get itemized calls is likely to be a person who is willing to sacrifice getting reimbursed by his employer for secrecy. A hidden credit card or a bank account is hidden for a reason. Late night phone calls or cell calls that must be made out of the room or house are done so for a reason. Voice Mail codes or computer access codes that are changed suspiciously may be significant. Listen to what your spouse tries to tell you. Most people are inherently faithful. Commonly, a spouse who is attracted to another will surreptitiously mention that person. Subconsciously they are saying, "You need to do something to stop this from going farther!" Keep your ears tuned for the male who speaks admiringly of a female coworker, that says someone suggested he do his hair differently, or describes another female's appearance. Subconsciously your spouse may be trying to give you warning that they are attracted to another. Watch for this with women: Some of what is listed as a male trait can be transferred to females but the difference is that most women tie sex and love together which often makes their activities more transparent if they are watched. Watch for the female who avoids saying she loves her spouse. Try to avoid a married woman hanging around bitter divorced women. That almost always causes problems. If it is already occurring, look for cover up conspiracies among her friends. Women can be much more devious and clever then men and once they decide they are in love with someone other than their current significant other, they can be merciless and incredibly cruel. It is not rare that a woman will leave spouse and children to chase a love even if this is totally out of character. Watch for Internet affairs. We constantly work cases today where a mother and spouse starts and affair over the Internet and winds up meeting the person. This is dangerous but it appeals to the romance novelist in women and they at first like the flirtation yet safety of the Internet. Then they go too far.